As much as we hate to admit it, we can't always execute the perfect wipe. Sometimes our wiping technique can be lacking, or maybe you don't have the proper materials to tame the aftermath of a spicy curry lunch.
For any and all times it just doesn't feel right in your third pit, the maintenance wipe is the perfect candidate for the job.
Though lesser known than other bathroom etiquette staples such as the courtesy flush, the maintenance wipe is an essential weapon in any DUDE's arsenal. Ahead, we break down the history of maintenance wiping and three vital use cases.
What Is a Maintenance Wipe?
A maintenance wipe refers to any wiping done not immediately after pooping. Your third pit is a cesspool of smells and substances. Accordingly, there’s a 99% chance you should be freshening up down there between your morning dump and your evening shower.
You can do a maintenance wipe to excavate dingleberries, fight swamp ass, or get an insurance policy against skid marks (more on these scenarios later). Regardless, the ideal tool is a DUDE Wipe Single. It’s got everything you need to stay fresh below the belt in a portable, discreet package.
The earliest reference to maintenance wiping dates back to a 2005 Urban Dictionary entry: “When you feel an itchy wet sensation around your anus, a maintenance wipe would be necessary to clear the condition. Usually caused from not wiping good enough the first time or from ripping a wet one (known as sharting).”
As you can see, DUDES have long had an intuition that their undercarriage needs a little ongoing attention.
3 Occasions Where a Maintenance Wipe Matters
If you're not yet convinced of the efficacy of the maintenance wipe, here are three scenarios where it can be a lifesaver.
1. DUDE Wipe Double Check
This is the most obvious use for a maintenance wipe. Maybe you were in a rush to get to a meeting, or maybe you got stranded in a rest stop bathroom with nothing but glorified sandpaper. In these cases, your odds of erasing every trace of fecal matter is astronomically low.
Lingering poop residue can cause itching, skid marks, and nasty odors. That’s where a maintenance wipe comes in. Once you have a minute, find the nearest bathroom and do a DUDE Wipe double-check.
Don't take it from us. Bassmaster and expert wiper Gerald "G Man" Swindle has been a long-time advocate: “Toilet paper makes me want to fight. That’s why a lot of people are irritated when you see ‘em out on the street. They got the baboon butt—they ain’t been wiping good.”
Another reason to never leave home without one.
2. The Swass Sweep
We've explained how you can prevent monkey butt, but sometimes it's simply unavoidable. This is where a maintenance wipe can save your ass.
If you've been active on a hot day, a wet wipe can be just as refreshing as a swig of ice cold water. Not to mention it can protect you from skid marks, or worse, a urinary tract infection.
Today, there isn't any good reason for walking around all day with swamp crotch. We've advanced far enough as a species that we can call for a cleanup on Aisle 2 whenever necessary. Welcome to the future.
3. Hook Up Freshen Up
Ever wonder why your significant other pops into the bathroom before it gets hot and heavy? They're freshening up for you (another reason to keep your bathroom looking good).
You should return the favor. You don't need a bidet, just enough to tidy up. Trust us, no one wants to go spelunking in a particularly swampy cave. Remember, DUDE Wipes are fragrance-free, so your junk won't smell like a lavender candle after clean up. Your man musk will remain.
Make Maintenance Wiping a Habit
If you find yourself in a particularly sticky shit-uations, there's no need to go another round with one-ply sandpaper anymore. The maintenance wipe is your oasis in the toilet paper desert, allowing you to freshen up on demand and keep you out of swassy situations for good.
