Recent toilet paper shortages have brought out the worst in humanity: guys punching their mothers, supermarket assaults, and felony theft—all for a few rolls of glorified sandpaper. But sometimes a crisis can spark a revolution, and in 2020, that revolution may come in the form of a poop destroyer that sprays water on your butthole.
Yes, we’re talking about the DUDE Wiper 1000.
Americans are odd in the sense that they empty their pockets for high-tech gadgets and software, but won’t budge when it comes to third pit hygiene. Our disdain for bidets has no clear origins, but as toilet paper supplies dwindle, the amount of people identifying as “bidet curious” is soaring.
It may be long overdue, but it’s finally time for the bidet to shine—or squirt—in America.
What Exactly Is a Bidet?
Bidets have evolved since coming onto the scene in 17th century Europe. Bidet means “short-legged horse” in French, which is a reference to how you straddle a bidet toilet seat and also the fact that the French nobility used bidets to clean themselves after long rides on their horses.
Fast-forward to the 21st century, however, and bidet seats have a more universal benefit: cleaning your balls, butt, and gooch after you drop a deuce. Bidets vary depending on the model, and they usually attach to your toilet seat or toilet bowl.
How Does a Bidet Work?
Modern bidet attachments are fully adjustable for an easy fit on any round toilet seat, and are quick to install. Just pop off your toilet seat, attach the bidet to your bathroom’s water supply, reattach the seat, and spray away. The control panel sits right at arm’s reach. No plumber required.
Contrary to popular belief, a bidet attachment doesn’t spray dirty toilet water up your butt. Instead, it connects directly to your clean water valve. You can even drink from it!
Now, most bidets are purely utilitarian and don't take into account the desires of the modern DUDE. So we went back to the lab and spent months developing a lean, mean poop destroying machine that cleans, refreshes, and eliminates odor all at the same time.
The DUDE Wiper 1000 has a dual-action nozzle for a targeted butt spray or refreshing mist to get a refreshing, custom clean. Either way, our Wiper can conquer even the messiest of deuces. Plus the nozzle is self-cleaning and retracts when you're not using it.
After experiencing the refreshing glory of the DUDE Wiper 1000, you’ll wonder how toilet paper companies are still making ends meet.
Are Bidets More Sanitary Than Toilet Paper?
Let us answer this question with a simple analogy: If your dog took a dump on the carpet, would you smear it around with dry paper? Hell no, you’d spray it down and then scrub.
"Using toilet paper to clean our anus makes as much sense as wiping yourself with a duster and imagining you’ve had a shower,” says Rose George, author of The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters.
Even if fecal residue festering in your undercarriage doesn’t concern you, you should at least be concerned about excrement-to-hand contact. Even the most diligent wipers get a little gunk on their fingers from time to time, but bidets spray excess poop off your butt, thus minimizing the risk of hand contact.
Also of concern is pruritus ani, also known as an itchy butthole, which affects as much as 5% of the population. Two common culprits of an itchy butthole are excessive wiping and bacteria from leftover poop, both of which can be avoided by—you guessed it—a bidet.
If you don’t heed the advice of journalists or four guys who launched DUDE Products in their Chicago apartment, you’ll surely trust a doctor.
“I have always been a huge proponent of bidets,” says Evan Goldstein, a rectal surgeon in Manhattan who sees bidets as a practical (and healthier) alternative to toilet paper. “People should be utilizing bidets because they gently remove residual feces, meaning that all you need are a few quick dabs to dry off.”
With all due respect to Dr. Goldstein, it doesn’t take a doctor to understand that bidets are the logical solution for rectal hygiene: less fecal leftovers, less money spent on toilet paper, and based on the current news cycle, less crime.
Put your pride aside and buy a DUDE Wiper 1000. It’ll make the world—and your butthole—a happier place.