Do you want the long answer or the short one? We’ll give you the TL;DR first: yes, of course, girls poop. Since they have the same number of chromosomes and basically the same digestive system as guys, male and female humans experience the same bowel movements. So, if you count pooping among your bodily functions, you can assume the women around you also poop.
But to honor the spirit of scatological curiosity that brought you here, we’ve also prepared a longer treatise for you on the topic of female bowel movements (which are disappointingly similar to all human bowel movements). But everyone loves talking about farts, so come! Join us on this excrement-filled journey.
Who Poops More, Men or Women?
Trick question! Hopefully both biological sexes are experiencing one solid bowel movement per day, or at the very least, every two to three days. Again, it’s that thing where members of a species tend to share common bodily functions, no matter their sex or gender.
But oh feces, you fickle friend. While number two has a way of appearing at the wrong moment, it is so much worse when it fails to show up at all. Unfortunately, constipation can affect anyone with a human body, which is a real bummer. And to that end, at least one small study found that women seem to experience constipation more frequently than men.
(Starting with the bloating and going from there, constipation feels all sorts of wrong, so since you’re here and we’re talking about it, remember: up your fiber intake, make sure you consistently drink enough water, and try to get out regularly for a walk or a run. Being sedentary can contribute to getting stopped up, did you know?)
Continuing in this vein, women are also more likely than men to be afflicted by irritable bowel syndrome. Folks with IBS may poop less due to constipation, but they also may poop more due to diarrhea — IBS takes many forms and is no day at the lake.
But we don’t really recommend IBS as a first date topic unless you’re a gastroenterologist, you know? Instead, just assume the girl you’re having a beer with does indeed go number two more or less with whatever frequency you do.
Do Women Poop in Public Bathrooms?
We’re glad you asked, because it prompted us to do a non-scientific survey of our lady friends, and it turned up some interesting anecdotal data: given a choice, girls would prefer not to have to poo in a public bathroom if other options are available. However, they will drop a deuce if nature calls and a public bathroom is the only restroom.
There are several reasons for the mild reluctance. Cleanliness is an obvious one, plus the fact that the walls of most U.S. public bathroom stalls reach neither the ceiling nor the floor is another.
Crap, My Bathroom Looks Like A Public Toilet, and There’s a Girl Coming Over
You don’t have to retile your bathroom (which we assume does not have actual urinals in it, we hope) for your Tinder date, especially if you’re living in a rental. But there are a few easy ways to make your loo more welcoming, particularly if she’s over at your place and has to poo.
First, you’re going to want to hit everything with a spritz of bathroom cleaner and a sponge before she gets there. Second, keep toilet paper in stock. And if you want to go above and beyond, have some flushable wipes around in a clearly visible place, thus inviting anyone who may be pooping at yours to use them.
Also, we can’t stress this enough: have a toilet brush and plunger on hand, next to the potty. No matter their biological sex, most people, except for your slob roommate, would rather disappear traces of their poo than either leave it there for others to admire or, worse, have to ask for help getting a huge one down the pipes.
Do Women Fart?
If you never heard or smelled your last girlfriend farting, it’s because she was hiding it. Suppressing flatulence can cause a hell of a bellyache, by the way! Pour one out for her unnecessary suffering, because yes, duh, girls fart.
Also, on a scientific scale, girl farts smell just as bad as the boys’, but we suppose any preference you have in flatulence scent is personal to you.
Do Women Get Hemorrhoids?
We’re really covering all the poop-region bases, aren’t we? We know, we know, these unfortunate scatological similarities just won’t keep coming.
In case you’ve never experienced them, hemorrhoids are swollen veins around the anus or inside the rectum. They’re as uncomfortable as they sound, can cause bleeding, and affect both men and women although they tend to appear more often in the over-50 demographic.
Pregnancy has been linked to the development of hemorrhoids, so that’s one point to the ladies we’re sure they’d give back if they could. But you can also get them from regularly lifting heavy objects, getting too little fiber, or spending too long on the toilet, all habits that know no sex or gender.
Let’s Flush This Topic
So, it turns out everybody poops. Even really hot, famous people. We would go so far as to say really hot, famous women are exceptionally good poopers. After all, regular bowel movements are part and parcel of good health, and hot, famous women have access to some of the world’s finest wellness resources.
So yes, Jessica Alba, Beyoncé, and Gwyneth Paltrow all poop. Perhaps they even make the nicest of all celebrity poops, given that they are not just celebs but purveyors of wellness themselves.
And pooping is part of being well. Is your girl well? Well, then she’s a pooper.