In short: You drop a deuce, make a mess, the bidet cleans you up. Then use a wipe (or TP if you must) to make sure the coast is clear. Welcome to our TedTalk!
But in all seriousness, and your tender nether regions' cleanliness is serious, so stop laughing; a bidet works a hell of a lot better than toilet paper, that's for sure. If you flung hot chocolate at the wall, would you use soap and water to get it off, or smear it around with paper towels and call it a day?
You know the answer.
If we've piqued your interest in peak backside form, onward. Or downward, into a sort of straddle-horseback riding position, because bidet, so named by the 18th-century French, comes from their word for a short horse that went extinct. But unlike those tiny workhorses, bidets are only getting more popular.
First off, Does a Bidet Really Work?
Since crap is not impervious to water, yep! Here, you can get the basics on every kind of bidet for beginners.
Or take our speedy, NSFW crash course: bidets work because they aim a clean stream of water right at your bunghole. And your balls and gooch, formerly known as the taint. (Yeah, science calls this body part the perineum, in case neither of those charming nicknames rings a bell.) The water will wash away any errant excrement as well as sweat. This is doubly great if you're an athlete or just unfortunately prone to swamp ass.
What's the Best Bidet Out There?
There are many types of bidets out there, so let us state that you don't need to gut renovate your home to put in an expensive, high-tech electronic bidet-toilet combo operating via remote control. Though that does sound nice. But the best bidet is one you can easily install in your bathroom at a price you can afford. You can correctly assume a bidet attachment or handheld bidet will leave you with just as clean an undercarriage as a standalone bidet or some intense Japanese contraption with a heated seat, air dryer, and settings for hot water and cold water.
If this is your first time using a bidet on your tushy, you'll waste no time in setup, as the Dude Wiper 1000's three-step installation involves nothing more than removing your toilet seat, hooking the device up to the clean water supply, and reattaching the seat. Voila, you can now begin your bidet use. For low-key poop days, go for the self-cleaning nozzle's refreshing mist, and for more intense time on the can, engage the targeted stream of water.
And, nope, a bidet attachment will not spray poop water all over your bathroom — they're compatible with most standard toilets, and there the water shall remain.
My Toilet Seat? Is a Bidet Even Hygienic?
Since bidet attachments don't hook up to toilet water, but rather, your bathroom's clean water valve, yes, a bidet toilet seat is sanitary. You can technically pour yourself a glass of water from this valve if you'd like, but you'll probably get some weird looks from your roommates. Now, on to what this new, conveniently placed freshwater source is actually meant for.
A Bidet's Many Uses
First and foremost, contrary to any extremely fake news you might have heard, a bidet is not an appropriate form of birth control. The Brits and United States soldiers stationed in Europe during WWII both spread this misconception. A strong correlation with French prostitutes didn't help, but those prostitutes were just neat and cleanly, okay? In addition to being wrong on the whole birth control thing, both Americans and Brits associated the bidet with masturbation, sin, and general licentiousness. Hot! Maybe that's why Americans have resisted bidets for so long.
We don't want to step on anyone's kink, but we mainly stick with its more practical personal hygiene applications in our own modern bidet usage.
First, a bidet's spray nozzle is indeed suitable for thoroughly cleaning the nether regions of all genders. In case you need to convince your girlfriend why your shared bathroom definitely needs this gadget, here goes. The bidet does not sex discriminate — just aim its stream of water at literally any butthole. Besides looking and smelling fresher, washing rather than wiping prevents the spread of bacteria that causes UTIs.
Furthermore, with a minor adjustment to the bidet sprayer's angle, it will also gently rinse ladybits, great for that time of the month and preventing yeast infections. Wow, clean, and healthy. Who knew?
And don't forget the gooch/cooch/taint! We all got one, and we'd all like it to meet a stream of cleansing warm water on occasion. Right?
Okay, now that you're feeling like a bidet has many uses or is even kind of sexy, what else is it good for?
Benefits of the Bidet
Saving on toilet paper: As the 2020 pandemic has taught us, toilet paper isn't always there for us when we need it. Besides being rough on your butt, weirdly expensive, and occasionally sold out, there are plenty more reasons to ditch TP for good.
Bidets are also easier for those with low mobility: They're called the nether regions for a reason. If, for whatever reason, you have a hard time getting to them for wiping them clean, being able to simply turn on the spray of a bidet solves that issue.
Better for your butt: A lot of really rough scraping and chafing in the name of cleaning with sandpapery toilet paper can cause hemorrhoids. Obviously, anything that prevents this is a welcome addition to our home.
Okay, so to wrap up on the bidet, because we're sure your quads are getting tired: It's cleaner, healthier, not expensive, requires zero home renovation, is possibly sexy. Just kidding on that last one. Butt seriously, fully discharging defecation from your presence is always a good thing, so don't be a afraid, join the bidet brigade today.