With gas prices and grocery bills soaring to record highs, guys across the country are resorting to drastic measures to make ends meet. For some, that means betting it all on an NFT or meme stock. For others, it means sacrificing a testicle in pursuit of financial freedom.
At least that’s their plan.
You might have heard about people donating blood plasma, sperm, and even poop to make some easy cash. But what about your balls? Considering you’ve got an extra and living with one testicle apparently isn’t too bad, it might seem like a no-brainer. Unfortunately, there are some legal and ethical obstacles between you and a payout for your nuts.
Can You Legally Sell Your Testicle(s)?
According to the 1984 National Organ Transplant Act, it’s illegal for U.S. citizens to buy or sell any human organ (that includes your nuts). If you’re still tempted to put a “for sale” sign on one of your testicles, be advised that you could get slapped with a five-year prison sentence and a $50,000 fine—which is way above the going rate for a testicle (more on that later).
Living people are permitted to donate certain body parts like kidneys and may get reimbursed for their travel expenses and medical costs. But for law abiding citizens, testicle donation isn’t a path to riches by any stretch of the imagination.
However, just because you can’t sell one of your testicles without breaking the law doesn’t mean your family jewels are worthless. Let’s break down the sticker price on your nuts.
How Much Is a Testicle Worth?
There are two sources you can use to estimate the value of a testicle: the black market and workman’s compensation lawyers. Let’s start with the illegal stuff.
The underground market for body part trafficking is estimated to generate more than a billion dollar a year. It’s tough to estimate the exact price of a human testicle on the black market (that is, without using a VPN). But a 2014 FBI raid offered a glimpse into how much “body brokers” were charging per body part. According to a price chart obtained by authorities, a full pelvis was valued at $1,750. Based on that info, we can assume that a single testicle would sell for way less.
Talk about a low ball offer.
Now, if you have the tragic experience of losing a testicle on the job, you could be looking at big money. In 2015, ProPublica published the workers’ compensation benefits for the loss of various body parts. The national average for one testicle is $27,678, with a maximum payout of $98,108. The lowest-paying state for losing a testicle is Minnesota, clocking in at a meager $3,750.
Word to the wise: If you’re pursuing a career with a high risk of testicular accidents, make sure you live in a state with generous payouts.
Speaking of mishaps, there’s also the case of a 54-year-old Pennsylvania man whose urologist removed the wrong testicle during an operation in 2013. A jury found the doctor was “recklessly indifferent” and awarded the man $870,000 for pain and suffering.
Perhaps the most famous case of testicular commerce was in November 2013 when Las Vegas resident Mark Parisi planned to sell his left testicle for $35,000. Parisi, who appeared on TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates, said he was "excited" and "anxious" at the prospect of his nut-for-cash deal. He even went on CBS and said he would use the money to buy a new Nissan 370Z.
However, a quick fact-check reveals the transaction was more complicated than people thought.
Rather than selling his cajones outright, Parisi agreed to participate in a medical trial where researchers would remove his testicle and replace it with a prosthetic one (something guys with testicular cancer might consider if they have to get the organ surgically removed). But there’s no evidence that Parisi actually went through with the procedure and got paid.
Of course, that didn’t stop Redditors from latching onto the idea that they could snag a quick $35K for donating a nut.
Bottom line: your testicle could be worth anywhere between a couple hundred bucks and nearly a million depending on your circumstances.
Your Balls Won’t Pay Your Bills
Times are tough, we get it. But selling one of your testicles isn’t a viable side hustle, not to mention it’s illegal. Even if it sounds “easy” in theory, you have to consider the hassle of surgery, recovery, and the almost-certainly-awkward conversation with your partner about the situation down there.
You don’t have to mess with your sack to get your bag. You can always drive for Uber, deliver for Postmates, or if you’re feeling bold, follow the path of Stephanie Matto and sell your farts as NFTs.
May your balls (and bank account) stay safe.
