Ever drop a deuce so massive that you look down and wonder: Will this log of crap clog my toilet?
Even with modern advances in flushing technology, some turds are simply too huge to make it down the drain without the risk of plumbing problems. These long, sausage-like poops are a sign of A+ digestive health. However, consistently churning out XL dumps can wreak havoc on your septic system.
Fear not—you can prepare your feces for flushing with a handy tool called a poop knife.
You read that right: a poop knife: a bathroom gadget that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “cut the shit.” Poop knives are designed to chop your dookie into small chunks so it can go down the commode with ease.
Poop knives are standard protocol in some houses across America. But some people are repulsed by the idea of bringing cutlery anywhere near the can. Read on to discover what a poop knife is, how to use one, and how a viral Reddit post shifted the paradigm of bathroom etiquette.
What Is a Poop Knife?
A poop knife is a tool you use to slice a larger-than-usual turd into smaller pieces, helping it go down the drain easier. Instead of flushing and hoping for the best, a poop knife breaks down the dookie into chunks your toilet can handle.
Think of it as an insurance policy against a clogged toilet.
A poop knife doesn’t have to be an actual “knife,” per se. It can be any apparatus with the ability to cut up a turd while keeping your hand clear of the toilet water—perhaps a ruler or spatula. As you can imagine, the internet has invented a plethora of slang terms for the poop knife: fecal cleaver, dung divider, guano glaive, the list goes on.
Poop knives aren’t standard bathroom appliances by any means. If you ask a store clerk what aisle the poop knives are in, they might think you’re insane. According to a BuzzFeed survey, 81% of respondents had no idea poop knives were a thing until they clicked on the article.
So what’s up with that 4% of people who claim to have chopped their dookie with a poop knife (or something similar)? Is this army of crap carvers onto something, or are they just a bunch of psychopaths?
How Does a Poop Knife Work?
There’s no official guide for using a poop knife to dice up your doodoo. But no matter what type of gadget you use, the technique is pretty intuitive.
Just grab the tool and give the turd a rough chop. You don’t need to go crazy and chop it up like Gordon Ramsay. The average stool length is about four inches, so aim for pieces around that size. This way, it’ll break down easily when you flush so you don’t have to worry about making an emergency call to a plumber.
It’s best to hang your poop knife within arm’s reach of the toilet for easy access. As you can imagine a poop knife is going to be infested with—you guessed it—poo. Accordingly, it needs to be washed after every use.
A poop knife isn’t necessary after every bowel movement, but there are a few scenarios where it comes in handy:
- You dropped a king-sized deuce that has the potential to clog the drain.
- Your turd lands sideways over the drain and won’t go down, no matter how many times you flush
- Your toilet has weak water pressure so your poop needs a little help going down
There are no TV ads, billboards, or influencers promoting poop knives, so how the hell are people learning about them? Ask this Reddit user.
The DUDE Who Sparked a Poop Knife Revolution
“I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.”
This was the opening line of the legendary Reddit post in 2018 that introduced millions of people to the idea of cutlery designated specifically for fecal matter. The author, who goes by the alias, LearnedButt, shared the lengthy story in r/confession where it racked up nearly 48K upvotes, thousands of comments, and dozens of awards.
“My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.”
LearnedButt’s world came crashing down when he took his standard XL dump at a friend’s house.
“I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
‘Wtf is a poop knife?’
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.”
Thanks to LearnedButt’s brave testimony, people in the comments felt empowered to share their own experiences using poop knives. But more importantly, it introduced mega-poopers to a tool that helped them salvage their plumbing systems.
Where to Get a Poop Knife
Poop knives are still new to the bathroom appliance marketplace, so your options to buy one are limited. The most reliable seems to be the “Original Poop Knife,” which retails for $19.95 on Amazon.
This bad boy has a solid metal core that’s coated with silicone and clocks in at 10 inches long, so you don’t have to worry about dipping your hand in the toilet water. It’s sort of like an extra long kitchen knife. It’s listed as dishwasher safe, although we don’t recommend mixing up your kitchen cutlery with your bathroom cutlery.
If that’s not in your budget, folks on Reddit have a long list of alternatives, including:
- A ruler
- A spatula
- Clothes hanger
Poop Knives Get the DUDE Stamp of Approval
A lot of folks have asked us for our hot take on poop knives. As always, we strongly support anything that improves the pooping experience, whether that’s eliminating stank, power washing your butt, or chopping up your poop to save your toilet.
Who knows, this could be the newest addition to the DUDE Product lineup…