The skid marks you left in the high school parking lot when you were doing donuts at age 16 might have seemed awesome at the time. Unfortunately for twerpy teenage you, those aren’t the skid marks we’re here to talk about.
We mean the other ones. Made out of poop. On your undies. Buckle up, buddy; it is long past time to make those things vanish.
What Causes Skid Marks On Your Underwear?
There are a couple reasons you may be leaving fecal tracks on your briefs. The worst cause, by far, is experiencing a wet fart. If you get these, even occasionally, we’re sorry, that sucks. It’s not your fault, although you may want to see a gastroenterologist to find out what’s going on in your gut before you ruin every pair of underwear you own.
Next reason: diarrhea. May skid marks from diarrhea befall you infrequently, if ever. But once again, if you’re dealing with out-of-control bowel movements, some poop stains on your underpants are more than understandable. They’re also the least of your worries.
But then there’s the primary reason why most dudes find traces of poo on their undies: you don’t know how to properly wipe your butt. Yeah, okay, fine, there was poop stuck in your butt hair, or the toilet paper was the thin crappy kind, or you ran out of toilet paper and had to wipe with paper towels. Excuses, excuses.
But we’ll reserve judgment on whatever’s behind your personal skid marks. We’re just here to help you solve the problem, which is smelly and a bit childish, and seriously, dude, clean, poop-free undies can be yours.
How to Remove Skid Marks from Your Underwear
If you’re reading this, you likely already have a few pairs of undies currently marked by poop. So let’s deal with those first.
Dudes with tighty whities are in luck. On the one hand, the lighter the underwear, the higher-contrast a background to telltale traces of fecal matter it will be. On the other hand, you can safely bleach the hell out of white undies. So, skid mark removal is easy if you are a white underwear wearer. Just remember to separate your lights and darks!
For everyone else, unless you’re a fan of errant bleach stains all over your clothes, welcome to pre-soaking. Get a big bowl or a bucket, or stop up your bathroom sink, fill your vessel with warm water and detergent, and let all your skid-marked boxer briefs sit in there for a half-hour or so before throwing them in the wash.
If you’re feeling really industrious, you can even get in there and manually scrub the fabric of your underwear against itself, which should help further loosen the stains.
This all sounds like a lot of work, though, right? There’s a reason the phrase “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” While irritatingly pedantic, it rings enduringly true. A way easier option: stop your skid marks before they start.
Prevention Is Your Pal
In terms of time, effort, water usage, and how many types of cleaning agents you need, stopping skid marks at the source is worth the extra 30 seconds it takes to thoroughly remove all traces of feces from your butt every time you have a bowel movement. (Although if you’re sharting, these tips will still help you out in terms of general hygiene; unfortunately, they won’t stop the skid marks in the first place).
We’re not your parents, so we’re not going to chase you around admonishing you to wipe more thoroughly. Instead, we’d like to present two options: wet wipes and bidets.
Let’s start low-tech: butt wipes. They’re not just for babies anymore! May we offer you a selection in mint, fragrance-free, and for dudes with sensitive skin and/or pesky hemorrhoids, we even have a medicated option. Whichever version you go with, it’ll be an easy, quick, and vastly more effective step up from toilet paper. Keep a pack of these flushable wipes discreetly tucked next to the toilet, and never leave your bathroom with skid marks again.
Okay, now the higher-tech option: a bidet. It’s not just for rich French people anymore! You also don’t have to renovate your bathroom in service of a clean ass. The DUDE Wiper 1000 bidet attachment can fit almost any standard toilet in three steps. It will bring a level of butt cleanliness into your life that you never thought possible.
But What About Skid Marks on the Go?
We know we said we couldn’t really help you if you sharted, but that’s not entirely true. We can help you help yourself. Keep some DUDE Wipes Singles in your back pocket, literally, and never worry about being caught out without toilet paper again.
These are also useful for backpacking, hostel-hopping, and frequent flier-type dudes. In fact, if you fall into any of those categories, we highly recommend including a handful of wipes among your travel essentials. Imagine sitting on a plane in your own skid marks for upwards of six hours. Gross.
The thing is, you don’t even have to be stuck on a plane to hate traces of fecal matter in your underwear. There’s a reason skid marks have their own entry on Urban Dictionary. Harness the power of moisture, go forth, be clean, and may your briefs be as blank at the end of the day as they were when you put them on in the morning.