The average human farts 10-20 times a day for a total of half a liter of gas (yes, that includes your IG crush). But as any DUDE can attest, no two toots are alike. Some are loud enough to register on the Richter scale, while others sneak out of your rear with no evidence—except for that horrific stench.
It’s a gamble every time you let it rip, especially when you’re in public.
This leads to an important question: why are some farts louder than others? Is it possible to predict the volume of your flatulence before you embarrass yourself?
As guys who know a thing or two about stuff that comes out of your ass, we’re here to tell you why farts make noise, and how to make them louder (if you dare).
Let’s dig in.
Why Do Farts Make Noise?
Fart noises are caused by vibrations as gas escapes your butt. There are three factors that determine how loud (or quiet) those noises are:
- The amount of gas built up inside your gut
- How tight your sphincter (AKA your butthole) is
- The exit velocity of the gas coming out of your anus
As your gut breaks down food, your digestive system releases intestinal gas like methane and carbon dioxide. These gasses travel through your large intestine until they reach the light at the end of the tunnel: your anus. More gas buildup means louder farts. That’s why farts tend to be particularly thunderous when you’re dealing with constipation.
Next, we have to talk about your sphincter, which is the ring of muscle surrounding your rectum. When your sphincter is relaxed, your farts tend to make the quiet pffft sound. That’s because there’s more space for air to escape (this is also a recipe for a shart attack).
However, if you clench your butt like you’re holding in poop, this leads to loud or squeaky farts. In other words, holding in a fart increases the odds it’ll blast like a tuba on its way out.
Finally, there’s the exit velocity. The faster the gas exits your butt, the louder it will be. Think of it like playing a harmonica: huffing air more forcefully creates louder noise than if you barely blow into it.
Contrary to what your friend told you in elementary school, fart noises have nothing to do with your butt cheeks flapping together. It’s also a myth that guys fart louder than girls (just ask Stephanie Matto). DUDES are notorious for forcing out farts, and then bragging about them. But ladies are just as capable as guys when it comes to ripping earth-shattering flatulence.
Does the Sound of Your Farts Mean Anything?
Generally speaking, the sound of your farts is nothing to stress about. It’s normal to have a blend of quiet and loud farts throughout the day. Passing gas is a healthy, normal bodily function, so don’t let the noise level distract you from the relief of ripping ass after dinner.
The sound of your farts can, however, hint at what’s in your stomach.
Swallowed air tends to cause bigger gas bubbles in your gut, triggering loud, less smelly farts. This can happen when you’re chewing gum, drinking carbonated beverages, smoking, or eating/drinking too fast. But if your farts are simply the byproduct of standard digestion, they’ll likely be silent-but-deadly.
The only time you should worry about your farts is when they’re accompanied by red flags such as fecal incontinence, severe abdominal pain, unintended weight loss, or bloody stool.
How Can You Stop Farts From Making Noise?
If you’re stuck in a situation where audible farts are out of the question, follow these three tips to put your flatulence on mute:
- Reposition: Try to position yourself so your butt cheeks are spread apart. You can accomplish this by shifting to one side or manspreading.
- Relax your sphincter: Tense butt muscles trigger loud farts, so try your best to relax.
- Release it slowly: Let your gas leak out slow and steady. Otherwise, you’re gonna get a squealer.
We can’t guarantee these tips will put a silencer on your butt. However, the odds are in your favor.
How to Fart Louder
If you want your farts to reach max volume, there are two essential factors to consider:
- Fuel: As we’ve discussed, more gas means more volume. Load up on fiber and protein, then maybe add some chewing gum or a carbonated beverage into the mix to get things bubbly.
- Force: You need a rapid release of gas. Pretend like you’re trying to blast off into space, using your flatulence as fuel. Think of it like deflating a balloon—unleashing all the air at once makes a literal fart sound.
Just make sure you don’t shit yourself.
When Farts Become Sharts…
Whether you’re trying to wake the neighbors with your farts or you’re trying to hold them in at the office, nobody is safe from shart attacks. We’ve all been there: it feels like you’re about to pass gas, then you realize there’s a Hershey squirt in your undies.
Fortunately, you can stay prepared by carrying DUDE Wipes. They come in individual wrappers for discreet transportation at work, in the gym, or on a plane. Wherever you fart (or shart) we’ll be there to save your ass.
