In the old days, the clearest signal to indicate you were about to drop a deuce was carrying a newspaper or magazine to the restroom. Your dad had to go analog, flipping through the business section, or reading the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. This time was used for precious moments of solitude and silence, hiding from you — or his boss.
Our generation of DUDES has gone digital, with all human knowledge at our fingertips. Throw in addictive social media apps and it’s no surprise we’re all swiping on our smartphones while we go #2. A recent study found that 90% of people bring their cell phones into the bathroom. Some DUDES have even gone so far to sit down when they pee, just so they can check Instagram. These days even a maintenance wipe can turn into a 10 minute squat.
While it may seem harmless, looking at your phone on the throne is deceptively dangerous. After reading this post you may be more comfortable staring at your phone while crossing the street than using it on the toilet.
Here’s why.
Too Much Toilet Time = Third Hole Problems
Your time on the toilet seat should definitely be less than 10 to 15 minutes. If you’re wondering how often you should be dropping the kids off at the pool, read our rather thorough breakdown here.
We don’t blame you for making that cheddar while you take a long poop at work. However, if your gambit gets out of hand, all that time on the throne can lead to hemorrhoids. Trust us, you don’t want those. They’re bulging blood vessels around your third hole that can be mighty painful.
But that’s not all. Wiping too much can also lead to some painful consequences.
Focusing on those Instagram pics or browsing Google can psych you out and get your body out of “poop mode.” The technical term is called the peristalsis wave, which for us DUDES means the signals and movements your body gives off to ignite your need to go.
If you’re engrossed in the latest Kanye drama on Twitter and don’t go when your body is sending those signals, the peristalsis wave can reverse. This causes your stool to go back into your colon, which can cause constipation.
Your Phone Is Covered In Germs
Remember when news shows would swab pay phones and doorknobs to test them for germs and scare you into becoming a hypochondriac?
Well, your phone likely carries more germs than a toilet. When was the last time you disinfected it? Never? Cool. In the bathroom your phone can pick up all sorts of nasty germs, including E. coli and actual fecal matter.
Doctor DUDES recommend not even taking your phone into the bathroom, lest you expose it to fecal contamination. If you can’t resist, keep it in your pocket and don’t pull it out until you wash your hands, especially after a deuce.
There’s yet another good reason to keep your phone holstered until you’re off the throne. According to one study, 19 percent of people have dropped their phone in the toilet before—no bueno.
All this might be disappointing to hear for those of us who enjoy our phone time on the toilet. But here’s the thing—we’re all addicted to our phones. Think of your toilet time as an opportunity to not only clear your colon, but also your head. Unplugging for 10-15 minutes everyday can be useful in developing the self-control to check your phone less throughout the day.
So instead of bringing your iPhone to the throne, bring a DUDE wipe—you’ll leave the bathroom with your third hole and mind feeling fresher than ever.
