Every day, an estimated 4 million Americans are suffering the horrors of constipation. They push with all their might on the porcelain throne, only to fire blanks into the bowl, or maybe a few measly pebble poops. If you’re reading this, chances are you fall into that camp and you’re desperate to unleash the brown Kraken.
A lot of dudes are focused on the foods that will cure their constipation—understandably so. But it’s equally important to avoid the foods that will make it worse. Otherwise, they can cancel each other out.
Some foods are notorious for making constipation worse, including those that are loaded with sugar, salt, saturated fat, and low in fiber. So, what exactly should you cross off your grocery list if you’ve got one too many turds lodged in the chamber?
In this article, we’ll cover 7 types of food you should avoid like the plague if you’re plugged up.
1. Processed Foods
Processed foods are loaded with chemical additives, refined sugars, and low-quality fats—all of which contribute to a traffic jam in your colon. These additives disrupt your gut microbiome, making digestion a sluggish affair. Meanwhile, the lack of fiber in processed foods leaves your intestines feeling like they're stuck in gridlock. Fiber, the hero of digestion, is often missing in action. Without it, your digestive system struggles to keep things moving smoothly.
Here are some examples of processed foods that can worsen constipation:
- White bread
- Breakfast cereal
- Pre-packaged frozen meals or TV dinners
- Bagged snacks like pretzels and potato chips
- Deli meat
- Most fast food
2. Fried Foods
We love a bucket of fried chicken as much as the next dude, but the combination of sodium, saturated fat, and low-fiber flour can bring your digestive system to a halt. Here are some fried foods on the no-no list if you’re trying to clear out your colon:
- French fries
- Fried chicken
- Onion rings
- Mozzarella sticks
- Tempura
- Donuts
- Egg rolls
- Churros
3. Sugary Foods
When you indulge in sugary treats like candy or soda, your body breaks down these sugars quickly, causing a rapid spike in your blood sugar levels. This jacks up the balance of gut bacteria and slows down digestion, making it harder for waste to move through your intestines.
For the record, we’re not talking about foods with natural sugars like fruit. We’re talking about foods with refined sugar, which lacks dietary fiber (the key to maintaining regular bowel movements). For example:
- Cakes
- Cookies
- Pastries
- Candy
- Chocolate
- Pie
- Soda
- Energy drinks
4. Dairy Products
Chowing down on cheese, ice cream, and other dairy products can easily jam up your digestive tract. That’s because you’re ingesting way too much saturated fat and not enough fiber.
Dairy can pose an even bigger problem for dudes with lactose intolerance since your gut can’t easily process the sugars in milk.
If you’re constipated, you may want to avoid these full-fat dairy products, such as:
- Whole milk
- Ice cream
- Cheese
- Sour cream
- Custard
5. Eggs
Eggs are great for making gains, thanks to their high protein content. But the tradeoff can be constipation since they have absolutely no fiber. If all you have for breakfast is scrambled eggs, it would make total sense why can’t squeeze out a deuce.
We’re not saying to banish eggs from your diet, but if you’re constipated, consider pairing them with some high-fiber foods like avocado, spinach, or a whole-grain wrap.
6. Fatty Meats
We’ve covered meat sweats and meat farts in great detail, but it turns out fatty cuts of meat can make you constipated too. Fatty meats are a culprit for constipation because they’re low in fiber and loaded with saturated fat, which is hard for your digestive system to break down.
If you’re overdue for a dump, you may want to stop eating these greasy meats:
- Hot dogs
- Sausage
- Pepperoni
- Salami
- Bacon
- Beef
- Lamb
- Pork
- Chicken with the skin
7. Alcohol
Your body needs plenty of water to keep you regular. But booze dehydrates you in a hurry, which can spell trouble if you’re sitting on the toilet.
Dehydration can lead to hard, dry, lumpy stools that are difficult and painful to pass. Not to mention, alcohol can throw your digestive system out of whack by slowing down the muscle contractions that push poop through your intestines.
Press pause on the beer, wine, and liquor until you’ve dropped a deuce.
5 Foods for Constipation Relief
Now that you know what to avoid during a bout of chronic constipation, let’s cover some superhero foods that can fuel a butt blastoff. As a rule of thumb, up your fiber intake.
- Fruits: Apples, oranges, pears, and berries
- Vegetables: Spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peas, and collard greens
- Whole grains: Oatmeal and whole wheat bread, pasta, and cereal
- Nuts: Peanuts, pecans, almonds, and walnuts
- Legumes: Beans, chickpeas, and lentils
Not hungry? Check out this list of drinks that make you poop immediately.
Don’t Forget Your DUDE Wipes
Constipation causes enough pain. Don’t add to the misery with dry toilet paper when you finally drop the browns off at the Super Bowl. Do your butt a favor and clean up the aftermath with DUDE Wipes, which are tough on turds but gentle on your sensitive sides.
We can’t cure constipation, but we can definitely cure an itchy ass.
