Try these 7 techniques to poop quietly:
- Layer toilet paper in the bowl
- Run the sink
- Flush while you poop
- Turn on the shower
- Turn on a hair dryer
- Cough or sneeze strategically
- Don't force it
You feel it brewing. That gurgle in your gut, the unmistakable pressure signaling an impending deuce. Butt there’s a problem: You’re not in the safety of your home throne. Maybe you’re at the office during the post-lunch poop rush. Maybe you’re at your in-laws’ house when your colon revs up. Or—heaven forbid—on a long-haul flight where sound carries like you’re in an opera house.
Bathrooms are basically echo chambers. One rogue splash, a mistimed fart, or a volcanic eruption of last night’s Taco Bell, and suddenly, your secret shame is a public spectacle.
Butt fear not—pooping in stealth mode is possible. With a little strategy and a lot of self-control, you can drop that deuce in total silence and waltz out of the bathroom like nothing ever happened. From courtesy flushing to expertly-timed coughing fits, here are 7 tactics to crap quietly.
1. Layer Toilet Paper in the Bowl
Toilet paper is terrible for wiping your butt, but we have to give it credit for its ability to create a soundproof barrier in the toilet bowl. If you take away nothing else from this guide, let it be this: The first line of defense against embarrassing poop sounds is a generous toilet paper buffer.
Here’s the game plan:
- Before you sit, drop 4-5 squares of TP into the bowl.
- This creates a soft landing pad, eliminating the dreaded plop noise.
- Bonus: It also reduces splash-back, which is not only gross but a dead giveaway that business is being done.
Essentially, you’re creating a soundproof pillow for your poop. Simple, effective, and life-changing.
2. Run the Sink
If the bathroom is awkwardly quiet, you need background noise—fast. Enter the sink trick.
- Turn on the faucet before you begin your business.
- Aim for a steady stream, not a full-blown flood.
- Bonus points if the sink has a high-pressure setting to really drown out any unwanted noises.
Not only does this mask any unfortunate sounds, but it also gives you plausible deniability. If anybody asks, just say you were trying to get some weird gunk off your hands.
3. Do a Courtesy Flush Mid-Dump
One of the greatest weapons in your silent pooping arsenal is the mid-dump courtesy flush.
- As soon as you feel the first turd exiting, hit the flush.
- This instantly removes the evidence and muffles any accompanying noises.
- Repeat as necessary.
This method is best for high-stakes situations, like pooping at your crush’s place or in a single-stall office bathroom where people are 100% listening.
4. Turn On the Shower
This is a classic trick when you need maximum coverage.
- If you're in a bathroom with a shower, turn it on before you start.
- Hot water works best since it creates steam, which also helps neutralize any unfortunate odors.
- If anyone asks, just say you wanted to “freshen up.”
This move is particularly useful during house parties when you need to disappear for a few minutes without raising suspicions.
5. Turn On a Hairdryer
If there’s a hairdryer in the bathroom, congratulations—you just unlocked Level 10 Stealth Mode.
- Flip it on and let that bad boy roar.
- The white noise will cover any sound your body produces.
- Bonus: You can pretend you were just fixing your hair.
This is especially clutch in small apartments where the walls are thin and the stakes are high.
6. Cough or Sneeze Strategically
If your only option is to go au naturel, then you need some good old-fashioned audio camouflage.
- Time your coughs, sneezes, or even throat clears to coincide with the action.
- If you’re really committed, fake a sneezing fit for full coverage.
- If all else fails, shuffle around loudly or rustle some toilet paper.
Basically, create a distraction so no one is paying attention to the symphony happening in your stall.
7. Don’t Force It
You might be tempted to push everything out ASAP. But that can quickly backfire: The more effort you exert, the louder your bowel movement will be. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Rushing leads to unnecessary splashes, farts, and general chaos. Relax, breathe, and let gravity do its thing.
Think of it like a stealth mission—you wouldn’t go running through enemy territory guns-a-blazing, so don’t do it on the toilet either.
Being Clean Is More Important Than Being Quiet
At the end of the day, no matter how hard you try, sometimes a poop is just going to make noise. But you know what’s worse than being outed as a public pooper? Walking out of that stall with skid marks in your underwear
We can’t guarantee soundproof poops, but we can guarantee you’ll walk out feeling fresh AF. DUDE Wipes are built to soothe your sensitive sides and clean up the crap TP leaves behind. Because if there’s one thing worse than a noisy deuce, it’s leaving behind evidence that you didn’t clean up properly.
Now go forth and poop in peace.
