You hopped on the porcelain expecting a normal number two, but you got a five-alarm fire in the hole.
Maybe you ignored it, hoping the flames will extinguish themselves. Or maybe you Googled your symptoms and are now convinced that you’ve got the most exotic, incurable disease known to man. Spoiler alert: it's probably not.
In this survival guide, we’re diving into the many reasons why dropping a deuce feels like you’re passing molten lava and, more importantly, how to beat the heat. Whether it's the aftermath of Taco Tuesday or a rogue hemorrhoid, we'll sift through the crap and get to the bottom of this burning question—literally.
Here are 7 common reasons why your bowel movements burn.
1. Spicy Food
So you thought scarfing down that plate of hot wings was a good idea? Turns out, your mouth isn’t the only thing that can’t handle the heat. Capsaicin, the compound that gives spicy food its kick, doesn’t break down during digestion. Instead, it exits your body with a fiery vengence, scorching everything in its path—including your b-hole.
What to do:
- Lay off the spicy stuff for a bit (duh)
- Soothe the burn with a fiber-rich diet to bulk up your stool and dilute the capsaicin.
- Drink plenty of water to help flush things through
2. Hemorrhoids
Hemorrhoids (AKA piles) are swollen blood vessels in your bum that are notorious for causing pain, itching, bleeding, and yes, burning. Sitting for long periods, straining during bowel movements, or having a diet low in fiber can set these bad boys off.
What to do:
- Up your fiber intake to soften stools and reduce strain.
- Use over-the-counter creams or sitz baths to soothe your hole
- Ditch TP for medicated with hazel wipes
3. Polished Anus Syndrome
Polished anus syndrome might sound like a joke, but it’s a legit medical condition that affects up to 5% of the population. Cleveland Clinic defines it bluntly as "an uncontrollable urge to scratch your anus."
The primary culprit is aggressive wiping with dry toilet paper, which scrapes the fragile skin around your anal area. Accordingly, it can burn like hell when you push poop past that raw, chapped skin.
What to do:
- Use flushable wipes instead of TP to soothe your b-hole
- Try a topical hydrocortisone or zinc oxide cream to reduce inflammation
- Invest in a bidet
4. Diarrhea
When you’re dealing with a bad case of the Hershey squirts, it’s like your digestive system decided to turn on a fire hose. Frequent bowel movements, especially if they’re loose or watery, can irritate your third pit and cause a burning sensation. It’s like your body is punishing you for some dietary indiscretion, and it’s not going to let you forget it anytime soon.
What to do:
- Stick to the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast
- Consider over-the-counter anti-diarrheal meds, but don’t go overboard—they can cause constipation
- Stop wiping your ass with dry toilet paper
5. Anal Fissure
Imagine trying to squeeze out a watermelon through a keyhole. Now, imagine that keyhole tears a little—welcome to the world of anal fissures. These small tears in the lining of the anus often happen after you pass hard stools and can turn your bathroom breaks into a horror show. We’re talking sharp, burning pains and possibly bleeding too.
What to do:
- Soften your stools with a fiber-rich diet and plenty of water.
- Apply topical anesthetics to numb the pain.
- A warm sitz bath can also help soothe the area and promote healing.
6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
IBS is a common issue that makes your gut sensitive to certain trigger foods. The most common symptoms are cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, loose stool, and bad gas. But it can also leave you feeling like you pooped out a fireball, especially after a bout of diarrhea.
What to do:
- Identify and avoid food triggers (spicy, fatty, and processed foods are common culprits).
- Increase your fiber intake to regulate your bowel movements
- Talk to a gastroenterologist about medications to tame your gut
7. Proctitis
Proctitis is a fancy way of saying the lining of your rectum is inflammed. It can feel like a nasty sunburn on the inside. Proctitis is caused by everything from infections to inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) to food poisoning.
In addition to burning your butthole, proctitis can also cause cramping mucus or blood in your stool, diarrhea, and constipation.
What to do:
- Check in with your doc to treat the underlying cause
- Use anti-inflammatory medications as prescribed by a doctor
- Warm sitz baths can help ease discomfort in the meantime
Extinguish the Flames with DUDE Wipes
Pooping should be the highlight of your day, butt if you’ve got an inferno below the belt you’re probably dreading your next trip to the porcelain throne. Stop adding fuel to the fire with dry toilet paper and get soothing relief with DUDE Wipes. These babies are soaked with water, aloe, and vitamin E to keep your third pit cool.
Whether you treat you ass to Mint Chill, Herbal Relief, or Shea BUTTer, your dumps will be back to normal temps before you know it.
