There are certain inconveniences in life you can plan around: traffic, tax season, family reunions. Having to poop in a port-a-potty isn't usually one of them.
One minute you're vibing out a concert or tailgate. The next, your stomach decides it's time to unload your lunch. Suddenly you're staring down a blue plastic booth that's been baking in the sun since 9 a.m.
There's only one thing more dangerous than holding in your poop: Voluntarily entering a hut infested with mystery odors, questionable aim, and single-ply toilet paper.
You can’t escape the experience entirely. Butt you can survive it. Consider this your emergency field manual. Bookmark it now so the next time you're caught in a shit-uation, you'll have a plan.
Rule #1: Find the Least Sh*tty Stall
Not all porta potties are created equal.
If there's a row of them, don't automatically choose the closest one. Those usually see the most traffic. Walk the extra 30 seconds. The units farther away tend to be in better shape because humans are, at their core, lazy.
Open the door, do a quick inspection, and commit. This isn't the time to browse Zillow.
Rule #2: Protect the Throne
A porta potty toilet seat asks a difficult question: "How much do you trust strangers?"
The correct answer is: not much.
If seat covers are available, congrats. You've found the Ritz-Carlton of portable bathrooms.
If not, slap down a layer of toilet paper if it's reasonably clean. If it isn't, hovering is an option, but know your limits. Nobody wants to discover halfway through that today wasn't leg day.
Whatever you do, don't spend five minutes trying to engineer the perfect paper fortress. You're in enemy territory. Work efficiently.
Rule #3: Accept the Smell. Don't Fight It.
The smell is going to happen. You aren't going to outsmart it.
Holding your breath for the entire visit sounds heroic until you're halfway through the mission and feeling lightheaded.
Instead, breathe through your mouth if you must, get in, drop the deuce, and get out.
Rule #4: Respect the Splash Zone
Nobody likes talking about splashback. Unfortunately, physics doesn't care.
A surprisingly effective trick is laying a small layer of toilet paper on top of what's already in the tank before you go. It helps soften the impact and reduces the chances of an unwelcome return flight.
It's not glamorous, butt neither is getting blue water where blue water should never be.
Rule #5: Never Trust the Toilet Paper
If you only remember one thing from this manual, make it this.
The toilet paper inside a porta potty only exists because technically it has to.
Whether there's enough of it, whether it's actually soft, or whether someone before you somehow turned the entire roll into papier-mâché is another conversation.
Always go in with your own backup.
A DUDE Wipe Single fits in your wallet and dramatically improves a situation that was already headed downhill. Think of it as bringing your own equipment to an away game.
Rule #6: Leave It Better Than You Found It
We’re not asking you to become the Patron Saint of Porta Potties. Just don't make life worse for the next DUDE.
If something missed the target, clean up. Close the lid if there is one. Someday you'll be the next guy walking into that stall. Do future you a favor.
Rule #7: Sanitize Like Your Life Depends On It
You touched the door, the lock, and probably few things you'd rather not think about.
Use the hand sanitizer outside the unit if it's there. If it isn't, carry your own. Your phone, steering wheel, and bag of chips will all appreciate the extra effort.
Clean hands are one of the few victories available after a porta potty visit. Take the win.
Prepare Before You Panic
Whether you're heading to a festival, camping trip, marathon, job site, or tailgate, odds are good you'll eventually find yourself staring at a blue plastic door and reconsidering every life decision that brought you there.
You can't always avoid a porta potty. Butt you can avoid wiping with recycled tree pulp inside one.
DUDE Wipes won't magically transform a plastic box into a five-star restroom. Butt they'll make one of life's worst shit-uations a whole lot more tolerable.
